Megamegamegaladon.


While most people were out watching the fireworks tonight, I was at home, watching 3-Headed Shark Attack.



It was the perfect follow-on to BBC2’s Autumnwatch, and just as naturalistically accurate. I assume it was based on a true story; one that presented such a genuine potential threat to humanity that getting the film out as soon as possible took precedence over the quality of the production, the direction or the acting in it. I could fashion a makeshift representation of a man out of Play-Doh with my feet that would be more capable of a subtly-nuanced and convincing performance than any of the cast – and I wouldn’t even take my shoes off first. 

(What I’m saying is, "They weren't very good".)

By calling the follow-up to 2012's classic '2-Headed Shark Attack' '3-Headed Shark Attack', the film-makers misunderstood the concept of a sequel. You usually put the number indicating where it fits in the franchise sequence at the end of the title, not the beginning. What if they want to release a third installment without an extra bonce? They’d have to call it '3-Headed Shark 2', which wouldn’t take into account that it was actually part three, and that it also isn’t related to the 'Shark Attack' series. If only they’d used a word instead of a digit.

(Or just not bothered making it.)

I didn’t get very far into the film in the end. There are only so many whiny American models you can stomach watching act before you want to swallow your own tongue in protest; even when they’re being picked off one-by-one by a CGI’d triple-header. It’s worse than Jaws 3-D. 

The tagline for the film is ‘More Heads, More Deads!’, which doesn’t even make sense.


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