You Can't Touch This.


Why do footballers hug after they score a goal? It’s their job.

It’s one of the few acceptable instances of tactility in the workplace. It wouldn’t translate to many other walks of life. If I cuddled Glyn every time one of our jokes got a laugh it would be weird. Sexy but weird.

(At least we know it wouldn't happen often.)

What makes it strange is football is notoriously close-minded. Homophobia in the sport is rife. There are no openly gay players in the top four divisions, which is a statistical impossibility. A footballer’s sexuality is, of course, irrelevant, but the fact that no top-level players are prepared to come out only serves to illustrate how much of a problem there obviously still is.

Why is one of our most lucrative industries still intensely homophobic, sexist and racist? If a fraction of the huge fees paid to the players each week was channeled into their reeducation, we might start to tackle the issue. No pun intended.

Players are obsessed with appearing macho in all instances except for post-goal celebration. It’s very depressing.  Do you know what also upsets me? I’m now older than most of them. Fuck it.

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