Ahoy-hoy.


Please don’t take this the wrong way, but it’s probably best to never phone me.

I have a gut-wrenching aversion to making or receiving telephone calls. I’m awful at it – and have been known to audibly groan when my telephone rings and I know I have to answer it.

I don’t want to give the impression that I’m some sort of recluse. It’s also never meant as a personal affront to whoever may be trying to reach me. I just hate the ‘forced-into-a-corner, you-must-have-a-conversation-right-now’ feeling that can only come with the sound of an unanswered telephone.

Stephen Fry summarises it better than I ever could, which is probably unsurprising. He says:

“The telephone is a fantastically rude thing. It’s like going ‘SPEAK TO ME NOW, SPEAK TO ME NOW, SPEAK TO ME NOW’; if you went into someone’s office and banged on their desk, saying ‘I WILL MAKE A NOISE UNTIL YOU SPEAK TO ME’, it would be unbelievably rude.”


For me it’s not so much a question of rudeness. It’s more the worry that a few seconds into our conversation the other person will catch me out; my well-worn mask of a normal, well-adjusted person will be temporarily lifted to reveal the quivering wreck underneath.

I’m surprised I even manage to dress myself.

Thankfully some of my closest friends are just as neurotic as me when it comes to telephonic conversation; we both know we’re uncomfortable with the situation, and this relaxes us enough to get past the awkwardness.

When I have to make a call I do my best to catch myself out. I’ll do it when I’m on my way to somewhere, or in a break when working, so I know that my brain is suitably distracted to forget how uncomfortable I am with the situation.
 
There’s nothing more blissful than the temporary reprieve of a call you didn’t want to make going straight through to answerphone. 


So if you want to catch up with me, it’s probably best to send me a text. Suggest a time when we can meet up in a pub or a coffee shop; I’m much better at functioning in the real world, than the enforced just-me-and-you-and-no-distraction world of the phone call.

Sorry for being such a dick.

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